Charley the ogre
Ogres exist. I think that they are the European equivalent to such creatures as bigfoot in North America and the Yeti of the Himalayas or Siberia. You are probably thinking, "Seriously? Ogres in Britain! Where could ogres hide in this country, Epping blinkin' forest?"
Well you may scoff but I wouldn't be surprised if you had passed one on your way to school this morning, if not two or three.
Have you ever heard people who have seen a bigfoot say that they were there one moment and then just seemed to vanish the next? Or heard explorers mention that they found footprints in the snow but didn't see what made them? These creatures all have this incredible knack of blending in you see. If you catch a glimpse of one then look back to where it was, it would almost certainly not be there. Well, it might be there still, but you won't see it because it will stay perfectly still and 'blend in', uncanny.
You're wondering how I know this; well, I can see them. Once you know what to look for you can generally pick them out. They're not invisible exactly, they're just very well blended into the background. It's difficult to explain... if you look not quite at them and with a bit of up and down movement... oh, I can't explain exactly... it's just a knack you have to get.
If you want to try it, then I suppose you first need to know if one is about. They don't like very crowded places, after all, it's no good being perfectly camouflaged if you then get bumped into by lots of people. I live in an average sized town and see two or three on a trip to the shops. They will normally be hanging round somewhere they might get a meal, bins usually. Oh and they do pong a bit. If you're walking along with some mates and there is a... smell, which they all deny, you may have walked past an ogre. Or one of your mates just let one go and won't admit to it!
I should probably explain how I learned the knack of seeing them. It all started when I worked in a pizza shop. One of my jobs was taking out the rubbish which would often have uneaten pizza slices in it. Most time’s I would just throw it all in the big bins out in the back yard and not think any more of it. The yard was small, not much bigger than the table where I ate my lunch, the two big bins and space to park a motor bike or two. It had a gate at the end and a brick wall which were taller than I am, all the way round and back to the shop building. One day I threw out some rubbish and the bins were pretty full so I noticed a big slice of pizza, pepperoni feast I think it was, and it made me feel hungry. I went back into the kitchen for another bag of rubbish and when I came out, the pizza slice was gone. I probably thought it had slipped down further into the bin at the time but if I had paid more attention I bet I wouldn't have been able to find a gap where it could have gone. I noticed other bits of food go missing after this too, but again I just dismissed it as me not looking properly. After all, it was just bits of old pizza in a bin in a walled yard. Why would I pay them much heed?
Then one day I was about to have my lunch. I took my ham and mushroom mega deal pizza (what else would you have for lunch in a pizza shop?) out to the table in the yard. I had just put it down when the boss called me back in to show him where I had put the green peppers. When I came back out after this, two slices of my lunch were missing. I looked around and no-one was in the yard. I rushed to the gate and opened it to catch the thief on the road but there was no sign. I decided it could only have been one of the staff, so I went back in to interrogate them. They all denied any pizza pilfering. I couldn't say who had done it, so I could only go back to the rest of it before it got cold. Before I got to the door, I could just see past its open edge to the pizza on the table and it looked like another slice had gone. I was about to shout at the staff and accuse them again when I caught sight of a very big hairy hand taking another slice. My heart was beating so strongly I thought it was going to burst. I looked around to see if anyone else had seen it, mainly because I was scared and wanted to know that I wasn't alone. The others were all going about their business as normal out in the shop, they were clearly oblivious. I tried to compose myself. I hadn't moved for a good few seconds but managed to lean forward to see a little more through the partly open door. The hairy hand took another slice and I jerked back to my previous position. My heart was going even faster now - that hand was HUGE!
I looked about for some sort of weapon and found a large kitchen knife that the boss had been using to slice peppers. I picked it up. This did not go too well as I was trying to look through the door gap at the same time and so fumbled with it a couple of times before I had to glance at it momentarily to grip it properly. Then I crept towards the door. As I got closer I was able to see more of the table, but not .... whatever it was. I was now only a metre or so from the door and the hand appeared again, moving towards another slice of pizza. I made an involuntary gasp and the owner of the hand must have heard because it stopped, and once it stopped, it sort of, well, blended into the background. Not quite turned invisible, but .... Oh it is so difficult to explain exactly.
Wide eyed and struggling not to shake uncontrollably, I studied where the hand had stopped and I could just make out that it was still there. I was sure that if I didn't know it was there I would not have noticed it, but I could tell it was there. I quickly learned that looking away slightly helped, and moving my head helped too. I didn't know what to do next. I wanted to move closer but couldn't. I gripped the knife and tried to steel myself but as I was doing this the creature made the first move. The hand withdrew and was visible again for the fleeting moment before it was out of view. I heard a couple of lumbering footsteps padding down the yard and then all was quiet again except for the sound of my heart and the distant sounds of the shop.
After a minute or two of nothing else happening, I looked around me. The others were still in the shop and completely unaware of any pizza stealing creatures with hairy hands the size of a twelve inch stuffed crust!
I decided it was probably safe to take a peek through the door and stepped forward to do so. When I couldn't see anything, I moved forward some more until I had my head to the gap and could see the whole yard. Still nothing! I pulled the door open slowly and held the knife to the front. I leaned out and scanned everywhere. Still nothing. I crept forward and into the yard, knife in one hand, door handle in the other. If I had seen anything, I would have been back inside with the door slammed shut before you could say, 'heart beat'.
I peered around and under the bins, which had wheels so I could see the wall behind them and knew nothing was standing there. Except.... if the hand could disappear when it was still there, could the whole creature? Oh! I was in the middle of the yard and there could be an invisible creature standing right next to me. It could even be between me and the door! I began to shake. I wasn't thinking very clearly but I did remember that I had been able to detect the still hand. How had I done that? I had known it was there which helped, but moving my head had also improved things. I tried moving it from side to side like some nervous Indian dancer. I didn't see it so I tried up and down. When that didn't work either, I tried both together which resulted in a circular motion. It was about now that I did notice something, the boss looking at me from the kitchen doorway with a very confused look on his face.
"What the heck are you doing?" He asked.
I froze in the strangest position it would have been possible to stop at. I was halfway through a step back towards the door with the knife held out in front of me and my head out to one side and tilted over trying to glimpse the owner of the hairy hand. I thought about what I could say to the boss. I worked out quite quickly that the truth was probably not the best thing, but after that, no other ideas came. Luckily, the boss made it unnecessary to arrive at an answer.
"Computer war game fantasy I expect! Get in here and use that knife for something useful, slice these onions!" Then he went back into the shop.
I moved as quickly as I could back inside too and shut and locked the door.
For about a week after that I was very reluctant to take out the rubbish. For two days I took it home so that I didn't have to go out to the bins, but that was not very practical. Not only was it embarrassing to carry two or three big bags of smelly rubbish on the bus but I was filling my dustbin at home in a day and had to hold out for two weeks before bin day.
When the boss started to get angry about keeping rubbish inside for too long I knew I had to do something. Perhaps I could sneak it into next doors bins I thought. No, that wouldn't work. They'd know it came from us and complain, and I would have to go through our yard to get there anyway.
I began to think a bit more rationally. The creature had run and hidden when it realized I had spotted it. That was good, it didn't want confrontation. I thought about all the times that food had gone missing before. The thing had been there for a long time and I hadn't even realized. Right, I thought, time to be brave.
I picked up two bags of rubbish and edged out into the yard. So far, so good. Over to the bins, lift the lid, empty. Ah yes, because I hadn't been putting out food it might have gone somewhere else. I suddenly felt much better and tossed the bags in. I fetched another two and lifted them up to throw in too. One was particularly heavy and didn't get high enough to go over the side so I ended up pushing it against the bin and it rolled back. Then it was pushed back towards me! The creature was still here! I froze at first and my heart did its bongo impression. Then I remembered all the rational thoughts that I had worked out. I stopped being terrified and calmed down to just over extremely scared with a huge dose of excited. I bet he's hungry, I thought. I hurried into the shop and swiped a fresh pizza from the stock, a ham and mushroom as I thought he would like that. Back in the yard I put it down on the table and sat down with my back to the door. After a minute or so in which nothing happened, I split the pizza into its separate slices and pulled two towards myself and pushed the rest nearer to the edge facing the bins. There was another couple of minutes of waiting and I began to think that I would have to leave them and go inside. Then the bin creaked and then moved. My heart began to pound again. Another pause. The bin moved some more and a shadow slowly emerged. It stopped and faded out. I gestured to the pizza slices and picked up one of mine up and took a bite. The shadow formed again as the creature moved towards me. As it moved, it took on more form. It was easily eight feet tall and covered in straggly grey hair. I could see its eyes now, huge orange eyes that were looking into mine. It was difficult to read them, not least because mine were watering with emotion. They could have been showing fear, or gratitude, or curiosity, or all of those and more. It was at the table now but had blended again because it was still. A hand became visible as it cautiously reached for pizza. With this slice of food acquired, it moved to go back into hiding and I could see the whole creature close to. I became very aware of just how huge this thing was, it was nearly as wide as I was tall and its shear presence was breathtaking. It also stank! It paused which left the pizza slice floating in the air. Though I was shaking, I managed to pick up a second slice and offer it in the direction of the first. The first pizza slice moved and a hand became apparent. I placed my slice into the hand and felt my skin brush some of the hair. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end, such a fleeting contact was hugely exhilarating.
The slices moved up and became engulfed by hands that showed up as they moved. Both pizza slices then disappeared as they were eaten in one bite. I have to say that the smell was difficult to ignore. It was like a cross between horse manure and an old drain but I thought it would be impolite to show that I had noticed it.
Though the huge hairy beast was still, I could still make out where he was. I noticed a hand begin to move before it became normally visible and I flinched slightly. This made the creature flinch too and for a few moments he stayed still with his hand mid reach for another pizza slice. At last he continued the movement and one more slice of ham and mushroom bit the dust. Cautiously and gently, all the pizza was consumed, even - cheekily I thought - my two slices. I didn't really mind, in fact I very slowly got up and went inside to get another. When I returned with it, I couldn't see my new friend, even with the techniques I'd learned. After a few seconds of my strange head movements a shadow formed on the side of the yard opposite the bins and it turned into the creature who came over to the table for the fresh pizza. I hadn't been able to locate him without knowing where to look I realized. Either the skill was limited or I had much to learn. The smell had not been apparent either and I deduced that a breeze was blowing across the yard that would take it away when on that side. This I thought, was deliberate positioning by it. I wondered how many other little tricks he had to remain hidden while in full view.
It only took these few moments for the pizza to be gone and then we both just stood there not knowing what to do. The awkwardness was broken by the boss who came out to see me.
"Glad you finally took out those bags!" He began, "After your lunch can you get a bag of flour for base prep, stock up the toppings out there too, and we need more onions slicing." Then, as he was about to go back inside he turned, sniffed and said, "Have you farted you dirty bugger?" Then he was gone.
I had been standing right next to an eight foot tall hairy man beast that smelled awful and the boss hadn't seen him and only noticed the smell as an afterthought! Incredible! I had noticed another little trick the creature had used though. Even while perfectly still and pretty much invisible, his huge orange eyes could still be seen. I suppose this is physics, if the light passed straight through the eyes as well, he couldn't detect it and therefore couldn't see. When the boss had come out, I noticed the eyes narrow so that they weren't nearly so easy to see. I'm sure the boss wouldn't have seen them anyway as people tend to look down and these eyes were well above where his gaze might have gone, but he narrowed them anyway, just to be sure.
Later, at home, I thought more about this. If I was a creature that could blend into the background like this, why wouldn't I close my eyes completely to become totally invisible? The answer, I decided, was that I would still want to see what I was hiding from. The creature was caught out a bit today, he was out in the open when the boss appeared. If the boss had decided to walk to that side of the table he would have bumped into him. I supposed that in normal circumstances, the creature would have preferred to be out of harms way, behind the bins perhaps. I read what I could find on the internet about bigfoot and yeti's. I noticed that Europe didn't have a popular modern equivalent but I wondered if the old ogre was the same thing. I decided that it was, and gave my new friend a name - Charley. Charley ogre!
I sat with Charley as often as I could after that. I'd bring out three pizzas for my lunch, one for me, two for Charley. Sometimes I got to eat a whole one too, cheeky ogre. We never learned to communicate properly but I showed Charley photos of places I'd been and he liked them I think. I was saving up for a motorbike to get to work and showed Charley a picture of one in a magazine. He made an explosion noise and gestured with his hands a sort of wipe out. I took this to mean that he thought they were dangerous and didn't approve.
Even so, two weeks later I turned up at the shop on my new 'bike and parked it in the yard. I looked around to make sure no one was about, as I always did before acknowledging Charley, then called him over to see it. His huge shadow loomed out of the bin area and he loped over. He made the same gesture and sound as before and I'm sure he smiled as he did so, then he stroked it and nodded. Approval I thought. I started it up and revved it a bit. Charley shrank away a little so I turned it off. Then out came the boss drying his hands on a towel.
"So this is the mean machine you've been going on about for two hundred years is it? Nice!"
I noticed Charlies eyes narrow and realized that he was right where the boss would probably walk at some point as he looked around my 'bike. I stepped into the space between them to at least delay that happening. The boss commented on how the bins were smelling a bit today and then knelt down to better see the engine. Charley very slowly backed away into the space he had emerged from earlier. I tried not to make it obvious where I was looking but noticed how even I could barely see him. If the boss had been staring straight at Charley as he moved like this, he would probably just think a passing cloud was casting a feint shadow.
We had got away with it once more but it was moments like these that made me realize that fraternizing with me was dangerous to Charley. I knew deep down that for his safety I would have to end this somehow. I had been thinking of changing my job anyway, so it seemed that now was a good time. I spent the next couple of weeks looking for a different job as well as trying to let Charley understand what I was doing. I also hoped he would understand why. I would miss him more than anything or anyone, but I knew I had to do this.
A couple of days before my last day I was wheeling my 'bike back to go home when I remembered I hadn't locked the back door to the shop. I was always the last to leave as I was general sweeper upper, so my job was to lock up too. I huffed at myself and pulled off my gloves to get the keys out of my pocket. As I climbed off the 'bike I completely forgot that I had folded up the side stand when I started to wheel it back. The first I realized was when the 'bike had gone too far for me to stop it. I stumbled and attempted to hold it but it was too heavy and it fell with my leg under it. I couldn't move. The 'bike was too heavy to lift from where I was and I couldn't pull my leg out. I began to think I would be stuck there until morning. I looked around for a bit of wood or something to use as a lever but there was nothing. Then a familiar shadow loomed over me before disappearing again - Charley! I looked up to see his big orange eyes surveying the scene then he made the explosion noise and wipe out gesture. "Yes Charley, you're right. They're blinkin' dangerous!"
Charley walked around to the other side and crouched to grab hold of the bike. I expected him to tilt it upright onto its wheels so that he didn't have to lift the whole weight, but not Charley. He lifted the whole bike up off the ground and over his head. He motioned to throw it down the yard but I managed to stop him and indicated to him to put it down gently, which he did and then stroked it by way of apology. I thanked him and then felt my leg to see if it was broken. Charley came over and looked at it too. He gently pressed his huge fingers against it from foot to knee and I believe he was diagnosing it. When he was happy that there was no lasting damage he patted it then lifted me up, gave me a huge hug and set me back down on the ground standing up. That was quite a moment. To be hugged by an ogre - incredible! To find yourself eight feet in the air and looking over walls and into yards you can't usually see - amazing! ...and a bit scary! But to know that your friend was happy that you were ok - that was just the best feeling ever.
My last day at the pizza shop finally came. I knew that Charley knew it too. He was noticeably glum at lunch. I wanted to storm into the shop and ask the boss if I could have my job back and work there forever but I knew it wasn't the right thing for Charley, even though we would miss each other terribly. Then Charley stood up. He patted me on the shoulder and I knew that he meant to wait there for a moment. He went to the gate and opened it, then there was a piercing whistle that I assumed came from Charley. A moment later there were three ogres coming through the gate. Charley was the largest, slightly smaller was the one he put his arm around first, his partner? Slightly smaller still was what I took to be Charley junior. Charley put his arm round him or her next, and then made a, 'look how tall he is, soon be as big as his dad' gesture and I was sure he must be his son. I didn't know what do or say, but Charley did. He came over and gave me a big hug, then led his family out and down the road. That was the last I saw of Charley. I miss him but at least I know he is happy - and safe.
I do see ogres all over the place these days. I have the knack now. You sort of move your eyes up and down until you pick out a ghostly edge.... well sort of like that, it’s really difficult to explain exactly... oh, it’s no good trying, it's just a knack you have to learn.
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The End
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